What Did They Say?
by J. APPLEGATE
Summary: Sometimes Commander Shepard feels like he is surrounded by idiots. (A series of one-shots)
1. Just Climb Up!

"Wait, watch your ass!" Kal'Reegar warned Shepard though the radio. "You got a Dropship coming in!"

Shepard was skeptical about that. _If there really was a dropship coming in, I would have heard it by— _

A Geth Dropship suddenly appeared above his and his squadmates' heads. How it had gotten so close for none of them to have not noticed—and yet Kal'Reegar had—was beyond Shepard.

It fired down on the quarian marines battling the geth on the ground. They never stood a chance; they were dead before their bodies hit the ground.

The Dropship, whether it be from negligence or ignorance—if the geth were capable of either—immediately began flying away without so much as dropping additional troops to deal with Shepard's team. Shepard watched as one of the pillars outside the building the marines had died defending, damaged by the explosion, started to fall.

Garrus and Thane started running for the door, trying to beat the pillar. Shepard, meanwhile, watched them do so with no intention to mimic the pointless endeavor.

Sure enough, the broken pillar landed with a loud thud in front of the door. Garrus and Thane hadn't made it more than a couple steps. Luckily the geth that had been firing on the marines failed to them. _Geth on this planet are so inefficient. The sun must be frying their circuits as bad as are shields._

"Crap. Doorway's blocked!" Kal'Reegar said into Shepard's ear.

"How do you know that?" Shepard asked. "And how did you know a Dropship was coming? Can you see us?"

The question was ignored. "Grab the demo charges in the buildings nearby! Use them to clear a path!"

Before Shepard could object to another pointless endeavor—or ask why there were demo charges readily available—the geth finally noticed the non-quarians and attacked.

EDI spoke to Shepard and the others as they faced down the geth. "Shepard, I have scanned the area and located the demolition charges the quarian commander mentioned."

"You too, EDI?" Shepard asked, ducking out of cover to Throw an advancing Geth Prime. "What's so important about the damn charges?"

Again he went unanswered. "You will need both sets of charges to clear the rubble," the AI said.

Shepard sighed.

When the smoke cleared, and all the geth were destroyed, Garrus and Thane started crossing the desolate battlefield to the next closest building, a garage of sorts.

"Where are you two going?" Shepard asked.

Both turned at the same time and gave Commander Shepard a curious look. "To get the demo charges," Thane said in a _what-does-it-look-like _tone.

"We don't need charges," Shepard said. He went straight ahead towards the fallen pillar. As he expected, his squad followed suit.

"How do you propose we get past the barrier then?" Thane wondered aloud.

"My Concussive Shot won't be strong enough to blast through that," said Garrus, "not without a lot of attempts. And your and Thanes' biotics aren't enough to pick it up and move it."

Shepard waited until they'd all reached the fallen pillar, the top of which being hardly taller than him, easily within reaching distance, before responding to what he considered were dumb inquiries. "We _climb_."

"Climb?" Garrus asked, as if the word was a foreign concept.

"Yes. Climb. Like this." Shepard holstered his pistol and pulled himself on top of the pillar with little effort. He turned and faced the two men on the ground. "Don't you think this is a _little _better than getting demo charges that could potentially blow up the building we want to get into?"

Garrus and Thane exchanged glances, then shrugged.

As they scaled the collapsed construct, Garrus mumbled, "that's why your the boss, Shepard."

* * *

_A/N: Don't get me wrong; Mass Effect 2 is my favorite of the series. Just this situation in-game makes me want to tear my hair out every time I play it. How does the first human spectre, Savior of the Citadel, end up on a wild goose chase because of a pillar?_

_He doesn't (at least this time), that's how._


	2. We Just Met!

"...I'm a cop, and I know my duty," Detective Anaya said. "I've been ordered to detain her and I will—unless I can get her to leave my district."

Commander Shepard shook his head. He respected the asari's devotion, but not what that devotion would cost her. "Your superiors are sending you to certain death for no good reason. You have a right to disobey."

"We can disobey suicidal orders? Why wasn't I told?" Garrus asked.

Shepard turned in his seat to look at the turian. He opened his mouth to make a comment but Thane beat him to the punch. "Every time Shepard orders us to face impossible odds, I have to remind myself that I volunteered," the drell assassin said to Garrus. "That's about twice a day."

"Excuse me a moment," Shepard said to the detective. He rose from his seat and gave his two companions dirty looks. "What the hell are you two talking about?"

"Your tendency to lead us to our deaths," Garrus explained.

"Garrus, if I remember correctly, you were on Omega for months, taking the fight to the three largest mercenary groups in the whole galaxy!" Shepard exclaimed. "You took a damn rocket to the face, and yet you would have been worse off had I not come to recruit Archangel. That's a lot worse than anything that happened to you when we were hunting Saren or since I came back to life!"

Before Garrus could offer a rebuttal Shepard glared at Thane, who'd made him even angrier. "And you! I picked you up from Dantius Towers yesterday; this is literally the first time we've ever worked together! How many impossible odds have I put you through in twenty-four hours?!"

Neither Garrus nor Thane spoke again for the duration of their time tracking the Asari Justiciar. Commander Shepard wasn't too upset about that.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to V-rcingetorix, He Who Fought Monsters, Graymalkyn, Hoplite39, Nuclearwullfs, LMAO, and demonicnargles for reviewing since the last update._

_This would have had to occurred before the previous chapter for it to have really been Thane's first time traveling with Commander Shepard, so just pretend I wrote this one first :)_

_I honestly had no intention of posting another chapter to this story. It was meant to be a one-shot. But I was watching a friend of mine play ME2 a while ago, and this situation happened to him. He didn't make a big deal out of Thane's comment, but I thought that was ridiculous._

_I enjoy writing these parody scenes. If any of you come up with a situation I can tear apart into little pieces, suggest it in a review or private message. Thanks for reading!_


	3. I'm Doing It!

"Wake up, Commander."

Shepard refused to acknowledge the voice. The violent shaking of the surface he laid on and the loud explosions told him that he wouldn't enjoy what he'd be waking up to. Plus he could tell he was far from in perfect, or even decent, condition. _If I just sit here a little longer, the nice lady will give me drugs that knock me out again. _

"Shepard, do you hear me?" the voice on the intercom asked him. "Get out of that bed now—this facility is under attack."

Realizing that the voice on the intercom belonged to the woman that he'd waken up to before, which meant she was not nearby and thus incapable of pumping sedatives into him, Shepard begrudgingly cracked his eyes open. He rubbed his jaw, feeling deep markings engraved into it.

"Shepard. Your scars aren't healed," the woman said, as if knowing he was curious as to his damaged face, "but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack."

"Of course it is," Commander Shepard muttered. "I can't wake up to a normal alarm. No, I get gunfire and explosions."

He sat up, an intense pain in his ribs flaring as he did so. The window across from him lit up with fire and lasers firing outside in space. His bed—the whole facility, really—shook yet again. _Where the hell am I?_

"There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room," the woman informed him. "Hurry!"

"Are you kidding? I can barely sit up; how do you expect me to fight?" He stared at the ceiling, waiting for the intercom woman to answer. No such thing came. Grunting as he swung his legs off the bed and onto the floor, Shepard stood. Another explosion caused him to stumble and nearly fall on his face, but he caught himself before he did so.

The locker, which the woman had non-specifically said was on the other side of the room, was mere feet from his bed, now directly in front of him. "How's that 'the other side of the room'?" Shepard asked no one in particular.

"Grab the pistol and armor from the locker," the woman said.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm going." He shuffled over to the locker, trying to remember how exactly he went from falling into a planet's orbit to a shiny facility that was for some reason the scene of a battle. He opened the locker, setting the empty pistol aside on the sink counter next to him. Then he picked up the armor, which was strangely in his size, and started the process of putting it on.

Seconds after putting on his first boot the woman's voice shouted at him. "You don't have time to wait around, Shepard! Grab your weapon and armor!"

Assuming that the woman had some access to see him, Shepard shrugged for her. "What do you think I'm doing? This armor isn't going to just hop onto my body."

Returning to his task, Shepard slid on the other boot.

"You don't have time to wait around, Shepard! Grab your weapon and armor!"

This time he stared at the ceiling, bewildered at her repeated order. "Does it look like I'm waiting around?! I am clearly equipping my armor. I wish this was faster to do, but don't yell at me because it's not!"

"You don't have ti—"

"SHUT UP!" he screamed.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to Nuclearwullfs, Anthony, and thepkrmgc for reviewing since the last update._

_This took me about ten minutes to write. I promise on the next one, I'll put more time and effort into writing something you might enjoy. In the meantime, enjoy the reality of equipping armor vs. the patience of video game tutorials._

_So this whole story is going to be events that are clearly not in any specific timeline. I am going to start looking into ME1 and ME3 for events that either bother me or I can make fun of. Again, suggests are suggested._

_I enjoy getting reviews, so let's continue that._


	4. Quick! Reload, Reload!

Commander Shepard, an hour after being consciously awake for only the second time in two years, was sitting aboard a shuttle on his way to a Cerberus base. He was still processing the fact that he'd been brought back to life when the woman sitting across from him, a Cerberus officer named Miranda Lawson, cleared her throat to get his attention away from the window.

"Before you meet with the Illusive Man, we need to ask a few questions to evaluate your condition," she said.

"Come on, Miranda. More tests?" asked Jacob Taylor, the other Cerberus operative Shepard met on the station they'd left behind. "Shepard took down those mechs without any trouble. That has to be good enough."

"I agree completely," Shepard said. "I'm still in some deal of pain, you know, from _dying._" He also wasn't too happy with Miranda at the moment. _Yelled at me thirty-seven times to put on my armor, then she's running around in that skimpy little outfit. Not that I'm complaining. _

Miranda ignored Shepard and turned to Jacob. "It's been two years since the attack. The Illusive Man needs to know that Shepard's personality and memories are intact. Ask the questions."

"Two years..." Shepard said. _What makes me so important that Cerberus spent two years bringing me back to life? _

"Two years and twelve days," Jacob clarified, "And you were on an operating table for most of it."

"The sooner we start, the sooner we can be done," Miranda told both Shepard and Jacob. "Start with personal history."

"Okay," Jacob said, complying rather quickly. He pulled up his omni-tool. "Records show you were a spacer kid; raised mostly on one ship or another. You enlisted and won a medal fighting batarians during the Skyllian Blitz. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah." Shepard rubbed his neck. "I remember the Blitz. I got shot a lot. The only time the Alliance ever rewarded me for it."

Jacob gave him a weird look. "However you want to put it, it was damn impressive. I had friend who were there." He glanced at Miranda. "Satisfied, Miranda?"

"Almost," she said, looking at Shepard. "Let's try something more recent. Virmire, where you destroyed Saren's cloning facility. You had to leave one of your squad behind to die in the blast."

"Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko was killed in action," Jacob cut in. "It was your call. Why did you leave him behind?"

"Uh... for the sake of the mission?" Shepard said in a not too convincing tone. In truth, Kaidan died because Shepard went against the sacred rule of Bros before Hoes. Ashley ended up dumping Shepard before their relationship ever began when he—in the most respectful way he could—suggest a three-way between him, her, and Liara. _Not that I'm upset I still got Liara, however. _

Jacob didn't seem to sense Shepard's uncertainty. "I understand, Commander. And I wasn't judging your decision. Everybody at Cerberus knows that cloning facility had to be destroyed."

"Shepard, think back to the Citadel, after the Alliance saved the Destiny Ascension and you killed Saren. What happened next?" Miranda asked.

Shepard remembered. As a reward for his service, the Council he'd saved offered to make a human Councilor. With the choice of who would join being between Captain Anderson and Ambassador Donnel Udina, it didn't take Shepard more than half a second to pick his old CO.

But, to screw with Miranda for nagging about 'hurrying up' with his armor, Shepard said otherwise. "Humanity was offered a spot on the Council. I recommended Ambassador Udina for the position."

"Yes," Miranda said with a nod, "Ambassador Udina is now Councilor Udina. Though— "

"Wait a second!" Shepard shouted. "I was joking. I recommended Anderson. _He _should be the one on the Council, not that political douchebag!"

"Well that 'political douchebag' now has the highest authority of any other human in the galaxy," Miranda said.

"Oh, God damn it." Shepard opened his omni-tool.

"What's wrong?" Jacob asked.

"I gotta reload my auto save. There's no way I am making Udina a Councilor."

As Commander Shepard fiddled with his omni-tool, Miranda and Jacob exchanged worried looks. "I think he's gone crazy," Jacob whispered to her.

"It might just be stress," Miranda said hopefully.

Shepard, having not heard a single word, muttered loudly, "Why can't I pause in the middle of a cut scene? Damn it, BioWare..."

"Okay," Miranda admitted, "maybe he is a little crazy. Project Lazarus has failed."

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to SinsandSecrets, thepkrmgc, and Nuclear Wullfs for reviewing since the last update._

_Man, I am spitting these out left and right. I already got another three ideas for future chapters as I am writing this. I'm going to limit myself to uploading one a day. That way I won't overload any of you with Shepard's misadventures._

_I'm thinking about a new title for this story, since I don't think the current one really reflects the story that well. If you have a suggestion for one, or you think the current one is fine, let me know in a review or private message._

_Reviews inspire me to write faster and put up more content. If you like that, leave a review. If not... then you're not my friend._


	5. Worst Romance Ever!

Commander Shepard strolled into Purgatory Bar, a dance club he'd frequented on most of his trips to the Citadel. Occasionally he would meet up with friends and acquaintances there, and today was no exception. Sitting at a table at the base of the staircase to the dance floor was Jack. She'd cleaned up a lot when she joined the Alliance's Ascension Project. She seemed really happy now that she had a family of her own, people who cared and relied on her, in the form of her students.

Seeing her acting like an almost normal person made the fact Shepard left Liara for Jack a lot less crazy.

When Shepard had read the message from Jack on his private terminal, after using his Spectre status to allow her and her students onto the Citadel, he'd nearly ran straight to the bar. He hadn't expected to find her sitting, let alone sitting and reading what looked like reports of some sort.

Jack looked up to see Shepard approaching; wearing his favorite leather jacket that he wished had existed before the Reaper War. "Hey, soldier. Buy a girl a drink?"

"I don't know," he said as he sat down across from her. "You seem really enraptured by your reading there. I'm guessing... dirty smut—about me, of course."

Jack rolled her eyes. "Duty rosters for the students," she revealed. "It's what I do for fun now." She set the rosters aside. "They've got us spread out across Alliance units. Reinforcing barriers, modding ammo, that kind of thing."

"Are they doing all right?"

"They're fine. They're not the ones reading duty rosters while on shore leave."

"I'd have never pegged you for a teacher, but you seem to be doing well with it." Shepard grinned. "Plus I like women with power. I think it's really hot."

"You just want to peel me out of an Alliance uniform, don't you?"

"I can't say I would object to that."

"Perv," Jack called him, with that glint in her eye that drove Shepard wild.

"But seriously," Shepard said, "There's no way you can sit here and say you would trade this new life away for anything. You get to kill a lot of things, a perk I know you love. Plus you get paid a salary for it." He leaned back in his chair. "And those kids respect you, in their weird, teenager way. I'd bet that's your favorite part."

"Yeah, yeah. Maybe your little suicide-squad taught me something about teamwork. Speaking of which... thanks."

"It was my pleasure," Shepard said.

"My guys are handling the support stuff well. Still see some action, but they're not on the front lines. They're saved a lot of lives." Jack sounded genuinely proud of her students. Though Shepard had fallen for the crazy, unrestrained version of her, he loved this softer side of her.

"That's what pisses me off."

_So much for 'softer' side. _

Jack continued. "We're doing good work. If we were useless, I could drop this shit and come with you." She sighed. "But we're not... and they need me." She looked down at the table. "So... if we gotta call it quits, I get it."

"Are you kidding?" Shepard asked. "If anything, I like—" he wasn't ready to say _love_ "—you now more than ever. You'd have to kill me to get rid of me. Besides, I'd like to see that N7 tattoo on your ass that you mentioned at Grissom Academy."

She shook her head, but Shepard could see her blushing despite the poor lighting in the club. Jack stood up and walked around the table. Shepard stood too, almost expecting her to flash that tattoo right in public.

Instead she leaned in to kiss him. He closed the gap between them, not at all disappointed in the decency of New Jack. When their lips parted, she whispered, "God, you make the best mistakes."

"You're not a mistake," he whispered back.

Jack pulled away, placing her hands on her hips. "All right, Shepard. No strings. But if we get out of this alive... "

"Then I can see that tattoo?" Shepard said teasingly.

She winked. "You'll see them all."

"You spoil me." Shepard grabbed her hand. "Come on."

"What?"

He started leading her up the stairs to the dance floor. "The duty rosters can wait. Right now, you're on shore leave."

Once they were up on the crowded dance floor, Jack started laughing. "Shepard," she had to shout in order to be heard over the loud music. "Everybody knows you can't dance!"

Determined to prove her wrong, Shepard busted out his secret moves. He was certain that her continued laughter as she joined in was because she was enjoying herself, not because of his lack of skill.

* * *

Shepard kissed her goodbye, more than a little sad that she had to get back to work. Of course, he had to return to his mission, but he'd had fun losing himself in the music, the moment. He had owned it. _I better never let it go. _

Only when Jack had disappeared from sight and he activated his omni-tool did Shepard realize he had an alert. He activated it. The words glowed brightly in front of him.

_Achievement Unlocked: Paramour _

"Oh, sweet!" Shepard exclaimed. "Twenty-five Gamerscore points!"

He clicked the blinking message and it displayed the requirements he'd met to achieve it.

_Establish or rekindle a romantic relationship. _

He stared at the sentence, slowly understanding what it meant. The last time he'd seen a message like this was aboard the Normandy, just before assaulting the Collector base; when Jack had come to his cabin to be with him, in case it was their last chance. _I only got the achievement before because I completed the romance. So that means... _

He slapped himself in the forehead. "Oh, God damn it, BioWare! I should have gone with Liara!"

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to thepkrmgc, Anthony, Guest, Johnwolf234, anakinpk200, KingLard, Jack Trader, and SinsandSecrets for reviewing since the last update._

_I don't feel like this one of my better. But this happened to me on my first playthrough of ME3, and getting a tiny dance scene instead of a budding romance that takes place throughout the entire game made me more mad at BioWare than the ending ever did. But I'll let you guys decide if you like it or not._

_I changed the rating from "K+" to "T" because of reasons that are Jack, and in the event that I end up writing ME2 Jack, who cusses a lot more than ME3 Jack._

_Now that I have a few suggestions for scenes/situations to write about, I am going to start doing those next. That way I can save the ones I thought of on my own as reserve. I'll still be accepting any requests, and I will credit whoever gave me the idea for a certain chapter._

_Love those reviews. Keep them up, please!_


	6. Are You Serious?

After the Cerberus attack on the Citadel, Commander Shepard spent some time checking in on some friends and contacts, to see if they were all right. With the exception of Thane, everyone had survived with minimal injuries. The next person on his list was the Normandy's former Yeoman, Kelly Chambers.

Heading down the refugee camp that'd been set up in one of the Citadel's holding areas near the docks, Shepard walked over to Cargo Hold: B. A month earlier he had accidentally stumbled upon Kelly there. Since she rejected his offer to come back to the Normandy, Shepard occasionally talked to her when he was at the Citadel.

This time, however, he couldn't find her. She'd always been in the same area, each time he visited her. In fact, the _exact _same area—literally. It was as if standing anywhere else was not an option.

As he started to leave Cargo Hold: B, he listened in on a private conversation—something he did a lot, really.

"What ever happen to that nice lady who was helping everybody out?" a Baratian refugee asked.

"You mean the redhead? Kelly Chambers?" a human refugee asked.

"Yeah, that's her."

"She's dead."

Shepard hung his head down and sighed. He hadn't expected everyone to walk away from the war with the Reapers unscathed, but his friends and acquaintances were dying off left and right. _Not a single person died on our so-called "suicide mission" against the Collectors. _

The Batarian sounded sad as well. "What?"

"Yeah," the human said. "When Cerberus took the docks, they walked right up to her and asked, 'Are you Kelly Chambers?' She said, 'Yes,' and they put a bullet right between her eyes."

"Wait, what?" Shepard asked. He walked up to the human refugee. "Are you serious? Kelly answered 'Yes'?"

"Yeah," the human said.

Shepard stared at the spot where Kelly had always stood since he found her. He'd thought to tell her to change her identity, what with Cerberus not taking a like to anyone leaving them, but he hadn't. That didn't mean he expected her to tell anyone who asked what her name was, especially the people that would kill her on sight.

"You dumbass," he muttered, feeling no remorse for someone that dumb.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to Johnwolf234, thepkrmgc, anakinpk200, Nuclearwullfs, and Anthony for reviewing since the last update._

_Although I said I would start doing the reader-submitted last chapter, this one was all me. But seriously, how dumb is Kelly Chambers?_

_I was a little sad no one seemed to catch my Eminem easter-egg that I had in the last chapter. That, or no one cared. Oh well._

_Tell me what to do next in a review or private message. Thanks for reading._


	7. Are You Insane?

Miranda and Jacob were already inside the Communications Room by the time Commander Shepard entered it. A hologram of the geth he and the others saved from the derelict Reaper was on display in the center of the conference table.

The geth intrigued Shepard, and not only because of the piece of N7 armor that had replaced part of the armor on its arm. The geth had killed a husk that'd nearly gotten the jump on Shepard. And even when it identified Shepard—"Shepard-Commander", the geth had called him—it simply went on its way. Not once had Shepard met a geth that didn't shoot him on sight or had the ability to talk.

This geth was special, but Shepard didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. An inescapable curiosity of what this thing's story was was the only reason Shepard didn't leave it behind on the derelict reaper.

"I think we need to discuss the unique piece of salvage we recovered," Miranda said to him as Shepard joined them at the table.

"Oh, the unique salvage that 'we' recovered?" Shepard repeated sarcastically. "Other than to take care of your sister, I haven't brought you on a mission since I got my boy Garrus back. I'm not exactly sure where you're getting this 'we' business from."

Jacob covered his mouth, likely trying to hide a smile. _I wonder what's got him laughing; I replaced him with Jack immediately. It's not his fault, however, that he doesn't have boobs. _

"For now, we've stored it in EDI's AI core," Miranda said, shooting a dirty look at Jacob.

"Wait, what?" Shepard said. "Did you say the AI core?"

Miranda nodded.

"Who the hell decided to put the potentially hostile geth—a race known for its hacking abilities—in the heart of our ship's AI, the best place to do the most devastating attack?"

"Shepard, it's turned off," Miranda told him. "We have nothing to worry about?"

"How do you know it doesn't have the ability to turn itself back on?"

Miranda opened her mouth to answer, but promptly closed it when she couldn't think of anything to say.

"You're both fired!" Shepard shouted as he ran out of the room to get the geth out of EDI's AI core.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to Johnwolf234, Nuclearwullfs, anakinpk200, thepkrmgc, dinabubakar5, and SinsandSecrets for reviewing since the last update._


	8. Quit Calibrating Already!

Commander Shepard exited the elevator and headed for the Main Battery Room. He walked with a spring in his step; it's not every day that your whole crew survives a suicide mission on the Collector base. The ship was in shambles, and would fall apart naturally if not repaired soon, but nobody died—that's all that matters.

He couldn't help himself from opening his omni-tool as he walked past the cryogenic pods, nearing Garrus. He opened up his achievement list and giddily read his most recent one. _No One Left Behind: Keep your team alive through the suicide mission. _

Below that were his achievements for surviving the suicide mission and saving the galaxy. He'd been lucky that he saved just before the suicide mission; else he would have had to recruit and gain the loyalty of his squad all over again.

The only thing that would have been better is keeping everyone alive the first time he entered the Omega 4 Relay. _How was I supposed to know that not recruiting that Zaeed guy would cause Mordin to die while holding the line? Damn BioWare and their downloadable content... _

Shepard entered the Main Battery room to find Garrus on his terminal. "Garrus, I can't believe we survived," Shepard said. "Well, actually I can because I already survived a first time. But still, that was crazy on the Collector base. I was gonna get a drink with Jacob on the Citadel. Do you wanna come to?"

Garrus turned away from his terminal and looked off to the side. "Can it wait for a bit?" he asked, jabbing his thumb towards the terminal. "I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

"How are you still in the middle of calibrations?" Shepard asked. "You've been in the middle of calibrations since you got on this ship! Do I need to get you a dictionary so that you can learn the definition of _middle_? Because middle implies there's eventually an ending."

"Shepard—"

"Do you realize that every other person on this ship has more dialogue than you?" Shepard asked. "The damn Mess Sergeant has said more to me than you have, and I've talked to him, like, three times; once while he was in the middle of cleaning the toilet next to me! Jack's the most anti-social person I've ever met, and _I had sex with her! _Mordin sang to me the other day. Let that sink in Garrus—he _sang! _I feel like, if he were ever to die in the future, I would have so many memories to remember him by. Do you know how many memories I have with you Garrus? Next to none! Except for that dirty joke—which I will admit I have used several times since you told me it—you have nothing!"

Shepard breathed deeply as he stared down Garrus, having forgotten to do so at any point during his rant.

Garrus rubbed his neck. "Shepard, I didn't realize you felt this way."

Shepard sighed. "I just... we never have any us time anymore."

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Garrus said. He put a sympathetic hand on Shepard's shoulder.

"I know," Shepard admitted. "But you work yourself death on these calibrations, and I'm worried that it's going to drive us apart."

Garrus smiled. "Tell you what, Shepard: how about I do go get that drink with you and Jacob. Maybe we can shoot stuff on the Citadel."

Shepard sniffed. "Do you really mean it?"

"If that's what you want."

"It is." Shepard matched the turian's grin. "You know you're my boy, Garrus. You know that, right?"

"Yes, Shepard." He patted the commander's shoulder. "Go head up to the airlock. I'll meet you there."

"Okay."

Shepard started back down the hallway leading out of the Main Battery room. When he got halfway down it he heard Garrus say, "I'll be up just as soon as I'm done with these calibrations."

"Oh god damn it, Garrus!"

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to anakinpk200, Johnwolf234, Nuclearwullfs, and Gairi for reviewing since the last update... which this time was only a few hours since this chapter's original upload._

_I know I said that I would only be doing one chapter a day to keep from overdoing these, but there was a while where I was working on my main story for the Elder Scrolls called "The Nerevarine's Return." Check it out if you have the time._

_Shameless plug-in aside, I always hated that Garrus, who I felt was purposely intended to become your best friend in-game, had the least amount of dialogue of almost anyone outside the missions. I know Zaeed and (I think) Kasumi actually have less than him, but who cares about them? I never did._

_Reviews are accepted. In fact, they're encouraged. _


	9. My Favorite Store?

Ignoring his arguments with Miranda and Jacob of the importance in continuing to obtain squad members for the mission against the Collectors, Shepard ordered Joker to set coordinates for the Citadel.

"I just don't understand what the purpose of going to the Zakera Ward is," Miranda said after Shepard declared the decision final.

"There are some... supplies that we need to pick up," Shepard answered evasively. "We would have been able to avoid this trip had I the money for the... supplies when I went to see Anderson. If the Illusive Man didn't insist on giving us funds _after_ recruiting people. I mean, why the hell doesn't he give us the money to put _towards _the mission instead of as a reward _after _the mission?"

"We'd have plenty of money if you didn't insist on purchasing asari porn," Miranda muttered under her breath, having ordered EDI to send her any financial transactions using Cerberus credits. As it turned out, Shepard had a thing for the color blue.

"What sort of supplies do we even need?" Jacob asked. "The ship is stocked with everything we could possibly need."

Shepard rubbed the back of his neck. "I didn't necessarily say that what we're going to get is something we 'need'. Nor, I suppose, is it really 'supplies' as more as being a single item."

"You're having us cross the galaxy for a single item? What is it?"

"Well... you'll find out later." Shepard dismissed them before they could get any more information out of him.

* * *

Shepard, accompanied by Garrus and Mordin who he hoped wouldn't question his purchase, raced up a flight of stairs to Level 27 of the Zakera Ward and into a nearby store called 'Citadel Souvenirs'. He failed to notice the furrowed brow of the asari running the shop as he accessed the terminal in front of her. Without checking the price, Shepard inserted his credit chit and confirmed the order.

"Shepard, what are you going to do with that thing?" Garrus pondered, looking over the commander's shoulder to see what he bought.

"You don't _do _anything with a hamster, Garrus," Shepard explained. "It's like with my fish—it's there for display. And I already have a place picked out for it in my cabin so I practically had no choice in getting it."

"Didn't you forget to feed your fish and they died?"

"Didn't you get hit in the face by a freakin' rocket like two days ago? Shouldn't you be, I don't know, in a hospital bed?"

Before Garrus could respond, Shepard turned to the manager of the store and asked, "So do I pick up my space hamster from you, or is it sent to my ship?"

"It'll be at your ship," the asari said in a strangely cold manner, her arms folded in front of her.

"Great. That gives me plenty of time to ask around about whether not the lakes in the Presidium—" Shepard glanced at the terminal screen, still displaying his transaction, and finally noticed the cost of his space hamster. "Wait a second, the last time I was here the hamster would've cost 7,666 credits. It says I paid 9,200. What's with the sudden markup?"

"The price has not been changed since the last time you visited the store, _Commander Shepard_." She hissed his name like it was the most vile thing she could think of.

Pretending not to notice the third-degree, Shepard leaned on the counter between them and smiled. "Surely you haven't forgotten that I, Commander Shepard, the man who defeated Saren, endorsed your story in order to get a discount? After all, this _is _my favorite store on the Citadel."

"Is it?" she spat. "From what I've heard, so is Rodam Expeditions, Saronis Applications, and the Sirta Foundation. In the future, Commander Shepard, you should know that endorsements attract more attention when there isn't three other stores right next to each other running the same advertisement."

Shepard frowned. "I... uh... well, this really is my _favorite _store. Sure, the others can supply me with vital weapons and armor enhancements, upgrades to my tech, or upgraded medi-gel that can potentially save my or one of my squad mate's lives. But there's nowhere else in all of the three levels of the Zakera Ward that I'm allowed to go to that sells me pets and cool models—one of which, by the way, is of the first Normandy, my old ship. I believe some sort of royalties deserve to go my way."

"A portion of the sales on the SSV Normandy model goes to the Alliance," the asari admitted begrudgingly.

"I said _my _way, not the Alliance's," Shepard clarified. "Anyway, since I have been reinstated as a Spectre since the last time we met, I am once again applicable for the Council employee discount you mentioned last time. So regardless, I believe you owe me a refund."

The asari murmured something in her own language, likely a curse or two directed at the commander, but she did refund him the credits he was due back. Sarcastically thanking her for the friendly business, Shepard and his team left the store.

Later, back on the Normandy, Miranda approached Shepard with a miffed expression on her face as he directed Joker to head out for the prison ship Purgatory. "You made us put our mission to stop the Collectors on hold to acquire a rodent?!"

Shepard gasped, appalled at her words. "Mister Squeakers is _not _a rodent! He is a hamster, and I like him a hell of a lot more than I like you. If he wore a skin-tight uniform, I wouldn't be able to take my eyes of him either."

"The Illusive Man does not provide you with credits so that you can go out and buy personal items."

"You're half right: the Illusive man doesn't provide me with credits. Most everything I've bought for this mission has come from my own pocket... or rather, the pockets of my dead enemies. He barely gave me enough to afford Mister Squeakers and still have enough for other important things."

Miranda rolled her eyes. "Like _Big Bottom Blue Beauties 7?_"

She'd hoped that revealing her knowledge of Shepard's private life would've been enough to get to him. Unfortunately, he simply grinned. "If you want to watch my movies, you just need to ask."

Sighing in defeat, Miranda abandoned all hope for the human colonies and walked away from her pervy commanding officer.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to Nuclearwullfs, Johnwolf234, anakinpk200, Gairi, dinabubakar5, and thelegendarysupernerd for reviewing since the last update._

_So it's been a while. I've been struggling with the newest chapter for my main fic, and I decided to set it aside momentarily before I gave myself worse headaches trying to get it done. I'm sure this chapter probably isn't the greatest I've done for "What Did They Say?", and it doesn't really match up with the tone from the other chapters, but hopefully the simple fact that I updated means something to you._

_This story is probably never going to have regular updates; it could be a few days or a few months before Chapter Ten comes out. Regardless, I love your reviews and I appreciate all my readers. Except for Tim. Nobody likes Tim._

_... I just know one of you is going to be named Tim because I said that. Oh, well :)_


	10. Shepard The Eavesdropper

"Here you go."

The asari turned to see a human wearing an N7 leather jacket offering her a datapad. She'd seen the human once before during her visits to Huerta Memorial Hospital, but hadn't thought much of him.

"What's this?" she asked, accepting the datapad.

"These are schematics for biotic amp interfaces," he answered. "I picked them up from Grissom Academy. They're tailored for human physiology, but I figure you can make them accessible for the asari with a few alterations."

"How did you know I needed these?" the asari questioned, narrowing her eyes.

"I overheard you talking about them the last time I was here," the man said. "Is there some sort of reward for helping you?"

Thankful as she was to have the amp interfaces, the asari took a cautious step backwards. "Do you make it a habit of eavesdropping on peoples' conversations?"

"As of late, yes, actually."

"And you think that deserves a reward?"

"I'm not entirely sure 'deserves' is the right word," the man said. He rubbed his chin. "Perhaps 'warrants' is better in this context."

She sighed. "I guess you're right." She brought up her omni-tool. "How many credits do you think your snooping warrants?"

"Oh, if I were to make my best estimate... I'd say a thousand credits would cover my troubles."

"A thousand?! You do realize that the whole galaxy is at war with the Reapers, don't you? A thousand credits could go a long way in aiding the war effort."

"Lady, I've been telling the galaxy about the Reapers longer than anyone else," the man said. "I'm Commander Shepard; giving me money does go a long way in the war effort."

The asari laughed in disbelief. "Commander Shepard has time to listen in on my conversation, go to Grissom Academy, acquire important schematics, and return them to me?"

"I have a fast ship."

Amused by the human's claims, she couldn't help but give him the full amount of credits that he asked for. _Clearly he needs them far more than I do. _

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to JM38LACK, Timmy Tim Tim, Nuclearwullfs, anakinpk200, and Gairi for reviewing since the last update... which was this morning._

_I actually had this chapter done a while ago, but I didn't think it was as funny as the other ones. But since I thought the same thing about the last chapter and uploaded it anyway, maybe I'm just being paranoid. Or I'm getting lazy. Probably both._


	11. This Is New!

"Have to take these things out the old-fashioned way," Anderson said as he saw Shepard run out of thermal clips.

Shepard nodded, leaping over his impromptu cover to combat the husks before him head-on. There were only a few of them left now, and for some reason they seemed intent on banging on the walls instead of combating the two humans.

They all required a few blows each, delivered by Shepard banging the butt of his empty pistol against their skulls. None of them attempted to retaliate, yet for some reason Anderson warned him to not let them grab him. A fourth husk started to climb over a nearby balcony, but Shepard simply kicked it off before it could make it over the railing.

As soon as the last husk was sent hurtling towards the ground, a massive Reaper several miles away directed a laser beam at the building Shepard was standing beside. He slid beneath the debris and glass and fire that exploded outward from the building, avoiding being punctured or burned.

Shepard still couldn't believe that the Reapers were here, on Earth. He was one of few people who had long since acknowledged their existence and the fact that someday they would come, but a small part of him had hoped that maybe he _was _as crazy as people said.

Anderson helped him off the ground and they proceeded into the building through the now non-existent door that'd been locked moments earlier.

"Gotta find a way out of here," Anderson said as Shepard 'borrowed' some medi-gel from a case that had survived the explosion.

Shepard looked over his shoulder. "That's quite the understatement, Anderson."

Despite the situation they were both in, the two soldiers managed to briefly smile.

Pocketing the medi-gel for later, Shepard entered the room to his left and approached another door, this one unlocked. He pressed the button to open it, but it jammed and only slightly parted. A blessing in disguise, as a husk on the other side of the door tried and failed to attack Shepard through the small opening. It trapped itself between them, unable to move forward and unwilling to go back.

Shepard went to beat it with his pistol again, but Anderson told him, "Use your omni-blade."

"My omni-what?" Shepard asked, unsure exactly what the former Councilor was talking about.

Anderson showed him, stepping forward and activating his omni-tool. A transparent double-edged blade erupted from Anderson's arm as he swiped down at the husk in the door. It passed through the husk, fatally slicing it in two.

"How long have we been able to do that?!" Shepard demanded as Anderson turned to him. He slapped his forehead, realizing the answer.

A quizzical look appeared on Anderson's face. "The omni-blade is one of the oldest applications the omni-tool has ever had."

"Then why I am learning about it now? I literally cannot count how many times a freaking sword would have been useful when I was hunting Saren or trying to stop the Collectors!"

"Well... um... I'm not sure."

"I feel like this is a new addition to the omni-tool and you're just lying to me that it's always existed."

"Shepard, that's ridiculous."

"What else is new, Admiral? Can I fly? Am I able to run at FTL speeds? Can I detect the darkspawn?"

"As you've already seen, you can now jump small gaps and climb ladders."

Shepard sighed. "Way to innovate, BioWare," he grumbled.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks to Nuclearwullfs, h, loopy-loophole, anakinpk200, thepkrmgc, and Libelle Scriptor for reviewing since the last update._

_I feel this chapter has more of a Chapters 1,2, and 3 vibe than any other one since then. So let's just pretend that I have two different Shepards for this fic: one that is more serious and more nitpicky about how things run/occur, and one that leans more into the collection of idiots that he feels he is surrounded by (reference to the summary there)._

_All jokes aside though, I do love the addition of the omni-tool in ME3, especially when playing as a Biotic class._


End file.
